On occasion, I have made fun of incompetent jerks. This falls into both categories. This situation necessitates a response due to a concern regarding the number of unauthorized viewers.

Also, this is very funny and I have to warn the dear reader that my humor is a bit dark. If you cannot appreciate my humor, please enjoy my psycho-analysis of a "bad boss".

Here's how it went down.

I was sick all night. I barely had a voice. Yet, my commitment to my students is unwavering. I loaded up on vitamins and ibuprofen, eagerly customizing our presentation on 'eQUEST 90.1 PRM automation.' Then it happened: I was notified that an attendee had joined the Zoom webinar three hours early.

This might seem trivial, but for a seasoned presenter like myself, this indicates a high likelihood that 1) the attendee is preparing a conference room, 2) the attendee is OCD or has a low IQ and will need hand-holding, or 3) all of the above.

(Sidenote: while we can't prevent "conference rooms," someone in a group will inevitably call/email and tell us about it).

A quick search for the premature Zoom-er revealed he was part of a group that booked a "conference" room connection and requested three separate Zoom connections. This usually isn't a big deal, except, another search revealed each of the three users works in a different state. Great!

I sent an email to prod. I asked what I should cover. He asked if I could talk about 179D modeling. And important factors/tips for modeling 179D.
Being a clever instructor, I know this question translates to: "I am new to energy modeling, and I don't know that I just asked you to add eight hours of content to your three-hour webinar."

Now, I'm starting a training, fevered all night, and concerned that it's three conference rooms full of newbie modelers. I remain calm and think about what I can do, "Okay, I can add 179D tips, but this presentation is for a small group. It's not a PowerPoint for peasants. Hopefully, I'm not speaking to a conference room. Time will tell"

As I had predicted, this particular user expected a basic tutorial and was upset that we didn't cover the basics. I know that advanced energy modeling sounds like gibberish to beginners. We have awesome options for beginners.

Let's jump into his review with my responses:

Email Subject: 10-24 eQuest Training Zoom - Colossal waste of time.

I just wanted to let you know the eQuest presentation was absolutely horrible! This was hands down the worst presentation I have ever attended. I can’t believe we paid $300 and wasted 2 of my staff’s time.

You paid $246 for shared access across 3 office locations in three different states. What kind of accountant are you?

Presenter seemed stoned and incoherent. Watched him type notes into his slide deck for 15 minutes….

Four periods in your ellipsis? That’s incoherent! Unless you’re posing as a 12-year-old girl in a chat room? I mentioned that I wore a hoodie, on account of illness. I suppose that transfers to stoned for some people.

The first 11 minutes we listened to him blather about flu symptoms.

Not true. I did explain why I didn’t have a voice as we waited for two people to join (It was supposed to be a small class). I made a very funny joke and emphasized my commitment to my students. I agree a delay is a problem if you have a conference room full of attendees.

22 minutes into the presentation we learned how to rename a folder.

It was a file, not a folder, you nitwit. We showed you how to generate a LEED baseline file in eQUEST quickly. Obviously, you didn't grasp any of that. But when we mentioned renaming the LEED file, your response was, "Well, I’ll be hog-tied and fried in lard; I’ve been renamin' them fancy computin' fol-de-rols since my first sip of moonshine." This reminds me of some grandpa using AOL in the 1990s, assuming everything on a computer is called a folder.

I asked for him to cover the basic model build up and he responded….this will take a lot of time.

Four periods in your ellipsis again? Instead of quotes? How often do you pose as a 12-year-old girl in an AOL chat room? Yes, I said correctly that it would take at least 8 hours to explain how to build a model. I’m sorry that it’s more difficult than AOL email.

Before the presentation, he solicited areas we’d like to cover. We asked him to cover basic model set up and 179D. The presenter responds “your killing me smalls”.

Now you can use quotes but misquote my spelling? I typed “You’re” and then said, “Okay. Will do”

Your request was so outlandish, I thought you were joking.

Context: the quote is an homage to "The Sandlot” movie. The protagonist, nicknamed Smalls, is ignorant to essential elements of American childhood. His friends repeatedly exclaim, "You're killing me, Smalls!" due to his ignorance.

What is the point of taking a basics beginner class if the instructor won’t cover the basic set up and navigation.

Where did we state it was a basic beginner class? The course title, "90.1 PRM Automation in eQUEST," doesn't exactly scream "beginner," unless, of course, the only word you comprehend in that title is "automation."

He built up his slide presentation deck as he stumbled through the model.

I did not stumble through the presentation. The model crashed, which can happen to any software — even AOL email. I created a custom model, on the fly,  in response to the realization that you had three people in three different cities tuned in, expecting "eQUEST for Grits Gurus of the Dixie Realm”

54 minutes in, he dropped the second screen shot into the subject matter outline. This was the extent of his building up the slide deck.

Did you learn the term “Slide Deck” while catfishing in your chatrooms? Didn't you just say I built it up as I stumbled through the model? That you spent 15 minutes watching me type notes into it? I already had completed slides! I skipped the screenshots so I could cover extra beginner content

He never sent the slide deck, video recording link, or follow up questionnaire.

So you hated the training, but you seem very concerned about the contents of the slide deck and obtaining a copy? You've mentioned it five times now. I had to fill it with copyright traps because of people like you.

Since the eQuest didn’t send any follow up review, I wanted to share our sentiments.

“The eQuest“ Let’s take a minute and soak that in. That’s the funniest line I’ve ever read in my entire life. I used to laugh when some cornbread connoisseur would call it “The LEEDs”  or "The Google," but “The eQUEST” is next level. Is "The eQUEST" in the room with us right now?

This was the most disjointed and worthless technical training I have ever seen.

Yeah. Well, I can’t compete with the free lunch buffet you got during “How a Munters stops swamp ass by de-stickifying the air with FREE reheat”. “Munters stops swamp ass”. It's so edgy, and I’ll say it's true. 

Psychological Analysis

I responded to the surface level content but we must analyze the response using bulletpoints.

Personality Assessment

• You send nasty emails.
• You used the phrase “my staff” while you itemized their time separately from yours. Subtle, Freudian psychology tells me you have a “Boss complex”. (Note to reader: good bosses use terms like “My team”, “our staff”, “our time”)
• You took a “conference room connection” and shared across three separate offices. 
• You enrolled in an advanced subject, somehow thinking it was for beginners. Revealing your incompetence.

Analysis: Stereotypical “Overbearing incompetent Boss”

People that send nasty emails like this tend to treat employees like dirt, and overwork and underpay them, micro-manage their time, and give them nasty feedback. They probably have a lot of inside jokes about you with the recurring theme of incompetent tightwad.

This is fun. Let’s break it down further and I can explain what is really going on (I have a lot of experience dealing with DTARs “Dumber than a Rock”)

• You made your very first retort shortly after I said, “I hope someone didn’t share this with a whole conference room”. Is it possible that when I said that, your conference rooms full of “your” employees laughed at you? And then joked how their boss is a stupid and notorious tightwad?
• You readily made a complaint, but didn’t ask for a refund? 
• You reference the slide deck five times in your complaint.
• You express your disappointment in not receiving the slide deck.
• You sent in a complaint when the slide deck was a day late from when I promised
• You sent the complaint on a Friday afternoon, right before your employees leave, and they are free of your tyranny! (They might get to go home and have a good hearty laugh with the family about how incompetent the evil tightwad is)
• For the boss, Friday means a power shift, going home to a family where you don’t have the power.  In the off-chance your family still tolerates you, your spouse has the power to take half your money. 

Common conclusion:

• You didn't want a refund because you wanted the slides.
• You wanted the slides so that you could save face because you realized the content was valuable. 
• You need to save face because you looked stupid for signing up for an advanced session (and possibly made a laughingstock if you had shared with conference rooms).
• You wish to obtain the slide deck because you know it is useful and then you can show “your” servants that you did something useful once. You think it will prove that you aren’t an idiot.
• You are angry because you think I exposed you as an idiot.
• I didn’t expose you as an idiot. Everyone already thinks you’re an idiot.
• I didn’t expose you as a jerk. Everyone already knows you are a jerk
• And I am so confident that my logic stands that I just posted it for public review. 

179D request for quality control

On a serious note, I encourage people to report misuse of 179D funds to the appropriate people at the IRS.

Actually, how about some of IRS readers just contact me? I have names. Very big names. And I have no NDA. The lobbyists (yes there are 179D lobbyist) have not paid me off.

I can refer you to better 179D modelers, who will do good work and won’t claim the tax incentive for themselves (as many accounting firms do!)

One more thing

By the way, Colonel Sanders….I checked your company website, and here’s an image I found. We might want to question who is stoned. Maybe we should ask “The eQuest“?